Low self esteem – can you compromise too much?
We are taught that compromise is a good thing. Often we are led to believe that learning the art of compromise is the cornerstone of all good relationships. It is our understanding that people who can’t or won’t compromise are selfish, self-centered or uncaring of others. But what we don’t always understand is that when people compromise TOO MUCH it can be directly related to low self esteem.
Women in particular are GOOD at compromising and it usually comes from a desire to keep the peace, to fulfill our basic need to nurture and take care of others. But sometimes it comes from a place of low self worth – we compromise (put others first) because of low self esteem.
Sometimes – compromise is NOT a good thing.
Sometimes compromise is more about denying our own needs or depriving ourselves. Because somewhere along the way we learnt that the needs of others are more important than ours! Take a look at the definition of compromise.
‘Settle a dispute by mutual concession’
‘The expedient acceptance of standards that are lower than is desirable’
So compromise in fact is more about settling for less than you desire.
Of course it is good to TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION the needs and desires of others – but you don’t have to completely compromise your own in order to do that.
Don’t settle for ‘less than’
I have a recent example of this in my own life.
I wanted to complete my NLP/Hypnotherapy training. And it happened to be in Rhodes, in August, with retreat activities available in our ‘down time’.
This was training for my business. But it was in a ‘holiday’ setting, at peak season, with other non training related activities available that I might actually enjoy. This created a real internal conflict for me!
How could I justify taking a week away without my husband. Getting trained in a such a beautiful place, fitting in early morning swims in the beautiful Mediterranean Sea. Meditating and sightseeing. I mean this was positively selfish and decadent and indulgent wasn’t it?!
It might be okay to do what YOU want to do
I almost talked myself out of it before I even discussed it with my husband. How would it make him feel? It wasn’t fair. I wanted to use a week of our annual leave WITHOUT him. He worked hard too – and he deserved a break.
But fortunately I have come far enough on my personal development journey to know that this was irrational. Had the training been in London, in a classroom setting, I wouldn’t have thought twice about it.
It was clear that this wasn’t about the fact I would be away for a week. Or that I was going without my husband. It was about the fact that I might ‘ENJOY’ it. And that was the issue. Did I deserve to enjoy myself? (no-one ever said our feelings make sense!).
So obviously I tapped on that and discovered where that feeling of low self esteem had started (in my childhood of course) and cleared out years of not feeling good enough.
Needless to say – when I discussed this training trip with my husband he was surprisingly supportive. I had created a whole scenario of his resistance and hurt feelings in my head!
And I so very nearly didn’t go on that amazing training/retreat adventure. I was THAT close to finding an alternative in a stuffy classroom somewhere because that would have been a better COMPROMISE!!!
PLEASE take a long hard look at where you are making UNNECESSARY compromise in your life because of the way YOU FEEL.
And if you can’t figure out how to change that let me help you work it out.
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